3 years

Febuary 15th was the 3rd anniversary of our little Zachary's entrance into Heaven.  We celebrated our little saint with a visit to the cemetery & dinner out as a family.

 Sarah REALLY got into her meal!

We played a few rounds of Crazy 8s & enjoyed the cool aquarium while we waited.  Dinner was delicious, everyone was well-behaved, & it was a happy evening.

Love you forever, sweet baby!  Until we meet again.

A celebration

 September 1st was Zachary's due date... this year could have been his first birthday if God hadn't called him home so early.  We decided that we should celebrate together in thanksgiving for the gifts we are given, regardless of how long we have them.  So, after we dressed up for Mass,

 we ventured out to the Amazing Pizza Machine!  It was so fun.  Think Chuck E Cheese but with good food, three times the games, & some rides, too.  We had a blast!

 Sarah was worn out after about an hour of all the blinking lights.

 After almost four hours of food & fun, we headed home.  Teresa crashed on the chair as soon as we walked in the door.  (Rebecca added the blanket.)

 I guess we'll never know all of the reasons why God didn't let us meet our little baby Zachary, but I see one of them right here.  So thankful for this little lady in our family.

St. Zachary, pray for us!

A birthday celebration

February 15th marked our baby Zachary's first birthday in Heaven.  We miss him so. 

On his birthday we spent lots of family time together: morning Mass, (school for the big kids), watching a show at home, bowling on the Wii, lots of hugs, & going to the first Fish Fry of Lent.  It was good, but still rather quiet.  So, when we had gorgeous weather on Sunday afternoon, we decided to make this day the big celebration.  First we stopped by the cemetery to say a prayer & sing him "Happy Birthday". 

Then we headed out to a beautiful park for some hiking.  We made our first trek out to this old log cabin.

We enjoyed watching all the geese that had gathered on the pond as they went from the ice to the water to the land & back again.

We climbed up the big hill to see the statue & ran down as fast as we could.  Amazingly, no one wiped out!

Then it was fun on the playground time.  Teresa really enjoyed the "noodle slide".

The big kids were collecting coffee bean pods from all around the area & making their own little stash.  Too bad we don't drink coffee...



After a full day in the beautiful February weather, we warmed up with a tasty dinner out.  All of the kids were good!  Whatever version of Muzac they had playing was very pleasing to all.  Rebecca spent almost the entire time dancing in the booth as she ate.

 

Andrew gave in & let me take a picture of him grooving as well.

Teresa of course welcomed all chances for goofy photos.  ;)

 

What a happy day!  So sad that he couldn't be with us to celebrate, but so thankful that we have each other & that he is looking out for us from Heaven. 

Happy birthday, Zachary Matthew!

Celebrating baby brother

We celebrated Zachary's due date, September 1st, with some special family time. 

 The kids all received this special prayer pillowcases to remember him & to remember to pray.  Rebecca talks about when she has a bad dream, she rolls over & talks to Mary or hugs Jesus.  :)

 Later that morning we went out to the orchard of our friends who so generously invited us to pick apples & pears!  The kids LOVED using the apple picker.  I just liked being there & seriously appreciated all of the delicious produce!

Our neighbor & goddaughter Macy was scaling the trees.

 For lunch we went out to eat at Cheddar's.  Delicious & fun.

Such a nice family day!

In memoriam

 On Saturday, August 25th, my brother celebrated a special Mass for us.  As we approached Zachary's due date on September 1st, we wanted to pray in thanksgiving for him & for all those around us who also have little saints in Heaven. 

We gathered at Blessed Sacrament for a beautiful Mass with about 15 other families.  During the opening hymn each family presented flowers to Mary trusting that she now holds them in her arms.

 My sweet friend Karen agreed to lead music for us.  Afterwards, we all gathered for cookies & lemonade.  It was a nice chance to pray with each other, support each other, & celebrate, too.  God has placed so many blessings in our lives; some just happen to be crosses. 

 So thankful for this community of friends!  Our common bonds go beyond the loss of a child but sometimes that bond runs deeper than any other.  I feel that I can truly express myself around them & sympathize as well.  It has easily been the hardest cross that I've had to carry so far.  And, yet, it has already born so much fruit.

Thank you to all who came, all who helped with the Mass, all who brought goodies, all who shared comfort, & all who offered prayers during this special Mass.  Thank you, Fr. Jon, for offering it for our families.

God is good.  All the time.

 

"And we know that in all things,

God works for the good of those who love Him."

~ Romans 8:28 

To my baby boy

Dear Zachary,

     September 1st has come. How I wish we were holding you in our arms today, little one! It's amazing that someone so tiny, who we only even knew existed for a few precious weeks, has changed our lives & hearts so dramatically.

     Though I ache to hold you, to watch you smile in your sleep, to "rescue" you from the overaffection of your siblings, I know in my heart that you do so much more for us from Heaven than we ever could have done for you here on Earth. Watch over us, little saint. Watch over all families who have been called to return their children to the arms of Our Blessed Mother.

      Know we love you always.
                                    Love,
                                         Mommy

 + St. Zachary Matthew, pray for us  +

Babyland

From our weekly visit to Babyland at the cemetery

3 months in Heaven

We just had this beautiful vase put on Zachary's grave with the generous help of my parents.  Isn't it nice?  We went to buy some flowers for it... guess who couldn't resist the one with a butterfly?

We love you, baby.

+  St. Zachary, pray for us  +

In Loving Memory, final part

I think that it is fair to say that losing our son is the heaviest cross God has ever called me to carry.  There have been extreme times of depression, sadness, doubt, & anger.  Though there have been tremendous consolations, every day is still a roller coaster of emotions.  It is a pain that I would never want anyone else to have to suffer.  Without the gift of faith, I don't know how we would have made it through.  But, because of that gift, we have been able to recognize abundant blessings even in our sadness.  I feel called to share some of those with you.

*  As I mentioned earlier, we don't usually announce pregnancies until after we hear the heartbeat.  But, since we shared the happy news early, we were able to be surrounded by the prayers & joy of so many around us for almost two weeks.  Sharing the sadness of his death was actually easier because of this.  The amazing support & love we were wrapped up in was such a gift.  Those loved ones are held even closer in our hearts after having shared this loss with us.  We are grateful.

*  Because I saw early signs of distress & we went to check them out, we were able to capture this picture of our baby boy in an ultrasound.  We know that is a gift that many families who suffer a miscarriage do not receive.  We also had two days to mentally & emotionally prepare for delivery after that ultrasound.  We are thankful.

*  Since I still carried him for almost 6 weeks after he had died, the amniotic sac he swam in was significantly bigger.  So, when I amazingly delivered that sac intact, even though he was really too tiny to identify, we knew that we held our son in our hands.  We were able to bury his body & now have a place that we can go to remember him, to ask his intercession, & to express our love for the baby we were never able to meet.  We are grateful.

*  Fully relying on the mercy of God & our desire to bring him to the waters of Baptism, we have assurance of our baby boy's entrance into Heaven.  Our little St. Zachary Matthew is looking down upon us.  Andrew commented one day,

"If he were here, we'd have to take care of him... hold him, change his diaper, feed him, really everything.  But since he's in Heaven, he can talk to Jesus for us!  That's pretty cool."

Isn't it?  He can do more for us now than we ever could have done for him here on earth.  Our own personal saint.  It's made me have a lot different relationship with the saints in Heaven by recognizing they are all someone's son or daughter.  They were regular people who loved God in mostly ordinary ways just like me.  I can really just talk to them.  No fancy novenas, litanies, or prayers are truly necessary.   Just as I talk to my son, I can talk to them & ask for their help in this passing world.  They are glad to give it.

* It has further solidified my understanding of the impact of every human life.  We never even met him.  He never did anything but grow inside of me.  But God loves him because He made him, not for what he did or didn't do.  So, He must love me, too.  He made us human beings , no human doings, right?  It's amazing how someone, who was here but not even visible, for such a short amount of time has had such an amazing impact on my heart.  I think that has to be true of any mother.  I will try to always remember that, especially when I return to pregnancy counseling at Birthright.  The life within is just as real as the baby when born & will change you forever.

*  Finally, this experience has changed how I look at almost every action.  I would love to say that each word I say, thought that I have, & thing that I do has always been with the intent of getting to Heaven... but that wouldn't be true.  Even though I do love God immensely & desire to be with Him someday, I still sin.  I know that is just the way it will be.  It is amazing, though, how much more I can really take that time to make each action count for good when I think about being with my baby boy in Heaven.  I have such a strong to desire to hold him, to love him, to know him; more tangibly than I ever have with God.  I think God knows that.  He is pulling me to Him with the help of our son.  I certainly desire to say yes to His Will each day, so that I can be with both of them someday in Heaven.

I entitled this my "final" post about Zachary, but I know that isn't true.  He will be a part of me forever.  I'm sure I will think of him often in the future.  Maybe not at every moment as I do now, but on his due date September 1st, on his death date February 15th, on every holiday, on every celebration of new life, through every milestone of my niece who is due just the day before he was supposed to be, in the quirks of his siblings, & in the ponderings of my heart. 

I love you always, my sweet baby.

+  St. Zachary, pray for us  +

In Loving Memory, part 4

 A month after Zachary was born into Heaven, we celebrated the feast day of St. Zachary.  

Around here your feast day means a special breakfast, so we broke out the pancake griddle.  Teresa decided to dress formal for the occasion.  :)

During the day the kids & I went to the Dollar Tree.  They each picked out a flower & a pinwheel to leave at their brother's grave.   After dinner that evening, Darren drove us all out to the cemetery for a special visit. 

 Afterwards, we celebrated with frosties.  While we were eating, we talked about Zachary.  You'd be surprised what deep conversations a 7, 4, & 2 year old can have about babies in Heaven!

 It was nice.  Ever since then, they think ice cream should follow every cemetery visit.  Maybe it should!  We know that he's not there.  We rely on God's abundant mercy & know that he's in Heaven!  Though it's hard to imagine, he truly is our family's first success.  I hope we can all join him there someday.

In Loving Memory, part 3

 We sometimes forget how blest we are to be surrounded with loving, faith-filled family & friends.  In those days & weeks after Zachary was born into Heaven there were constant reminders of their support. 

Beautiful flowers, heartfelt cards, delicious meals, kind words, & abundant prayers wrapped us up in love. 

Thank you for all of you who were a part of that.  What an amazing gift & consolation! 

Thanks to my sister's suggestion, we gave a Precious Feet pin to all of the kids as a way to remember their brother.  It seemed fitting, since I was wearing Precious Feet the night we told them we were expecting.  (Pretty sure that then Teresa thought they were the actual baby.  :P )  When we told them at 10 weeks, we explained that was how big his feet were.  However, we discovered at the ultrasound that the pin was closer to the size of his whole body when he died.  Either way it is a perfect reminder.  I don't think I'll ever look at them the same way again.

Teresa has really latched onto this beautiful statue another sister gave to us on his burial day.  It's a sweet little baby wrapped up in angel wings.  I love it, too!  Our little saint is in Heaven, surrounded by angels, & "sitting in Jesus' pocket" as Andrew likes to imagine.

We've started the tradition of making a Sunday afternoon visit to the cemetery.  We bring flowers, pinwheels, drawings, or letters to leave there.  The kids like to walk around all of the Babyland area.  They read names, pick up trash, stand up toppled vases, & enjoy the other gifts left there.  Each week we go Teresa has to hug a babydoll left at one of the graves & hold the Tinkerbell squirter left at another.  ;)  Before we leave we all say a prayer or two together where he is buried & ask him to pray for us.  It's a tradition that I hope we can hold onto.