In Loving Memory, final part

I think that it is fair to say that losing our son is the heaviest cross God has ever called me to carry.  There have been extreme times of depression, sadness, doubt, & anger.  Though there have been tremendous consolations, every day is still a roller coaster of emotions.  It is a pain that I would never want anyone else to have to suffer.  Without the gift of faith, I don't know how we would have made it through.  But, because of that gift, we have been able to recognize abundant blessings even in our sadness.  I feel called to share some of those with you.

*  As I mentioned earlier, we don't usually announce pregnancies until after we hear the heartbeat.  But, since we shared the happy news early, we were able to be surrounded by the prayers & joy of so many around us for almost two weeks.  Sharing the sadness of his death was actually easier because of this.  The amazing support & love we were wrapped up in was such a gift.  Those loved ones are held even closer in our hearts after having shared this loss with us.  We are grateful.

*  Because I saw early signs of distress & we went to check them out, we were able to capture this picture of our baby boy in an ultrasound.  We know that is a gift that many families who suffer a miscarriage do not receive.  We also had two days to mentally & emotionally prepare for delivery after that ultrasound.  We are thankful.

*  Since I still carried him for almost 6 weeks after he had died, the amniotic sac he swam in was significantly bigger.  So, when I amazingly delivered that sac intact, even though he was really too tiny to identify, we knew that we held our son in our hands.  We were able to bury his body & now have a place that we can go to remember him, to ask his intercession, & to express our love for the baby we were never able to meet.  We are grateful.

*  Fully relying on the mercy of God & our desire to bring him to the waters of Baptism, we have assurance of our baby boy's entrance into Heaven.  Our little St. Zachary Matthew is looking down upon us.  Andrew commented one day,

"If he were here, we'd have to take care of him... hold him, change his diaper, feed him, really everything.  But since he's in Heaven, he can talk to Jesus for us!  That's pretty cool."

Isn't it?  He can do more for us now than we ever could have done for him here on earth.  Our own personal saint.  It's made me have a lot different relationship with the saints in Heaven by recognizing they are all someone's son or daughter.  They were regular people who loved God in mostly ordinary ways just like me.  I can really just talk to them.  No fancy novenas, litanies, or prayers are truly necessary.   Just as I talk to my son, I can talk to them & ask for their help in this passing world.  They are glad to give it.

* It has further solidified my understanding of the impact of every human life.  We never even met him.  He never did anything but grow inside of me.  But God loves him because He made him, not for what he did or didn't do.  So, He must love me, too.  He made us human beings , no human doings, right?  It's amazing how someone, who was here but not even visible, for such a short amount of time has had such an amazing impact on my heart.  I think that has to be true of any mother.  I will try to always remember that, especially when I return to pregnancy counseling at Birthright.  The life within is just as real as the baby when born & will change you forever.

*  Finally, this experience has changed how I look at almost every action.  I would love to say that each word I say, thought that I have, & thing that I do has always been with the intent of getting to Heaven... but that wouldn't be true.  Even though I do love God immensely & desire to be with Him someday, I still sin.  I know that is just the way it will be.  It is amazing, though, how much more I can really take that time to make each action count for good when I think about being with my baby boy in Heaven.  I have such a strong to desire to hold him, to love him, to know him; more tangibly than I ever have with God.  I think God knows that.  He is pulling me to Him with the help of our son.  I certainly desire to say yes to His Will each day, so that I can be with both of them someday in Heaven.

I entitled this my "final" post about Zachary, but I know that isn't true.  He will be a part of me forever.  I'm sure I will think of him often in the future.  Maybe not at every moment as I do now, but on his due date September 1st, on his death date February 15th, on every holiday, on every celebration of new life, through every milestone of my niece who is due just the day before he was supposed to be, in the quirks of his siblings, & in the ponderings of my heart. 

I love you always, my sweet baby.

+  St. Zachary, pray for us  +